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How to write a James Bond movie

James Bond movies are so formulaic you could almost write a program to generate them, sort of like a Mad Lib. The formula is well-known -- it has been parodied well in, e.g., the Austin Powers movies -- but here I'm going to describe it for any aspriring screenwriters out there.

We start with a big non sequitur of an action sequence that has nothing to do with the main plot of the movie. This is to get your attention, and to demonstrate to people who have never seen a Bond movie (there might be one or two) that yes, he is a badass.

Next we first meed the Bad Guy. He is insane. He has a plot to either take over the world, or to destroy it, or perhaps both. This plot is so intricate and so expensive that it could never be executed in real life. In this scene we see Bad Guy hatching his plot - executing the first step in his plan, so as to set the scene and give us some hints as to what he intends to do. The plan will always be executed in "phases;" thus, this first step will always be called "Phase 1." In this scene we will also meet Bad Guy's Sidekick. He will either be a very buff Aryan, or he will be abnormal in some nearly-grotesque way; e.g., very tall (e.g. Jaws), very fat (e.g. Odd Job), or some similar freakishness. He will also be dumb as a rock, though we won't know this at this point in the film.

Now we see Bond preparing for his mission. In this scene, Q will give him a bunch of cool gadgets, each of which will be useful exactly once in the rest of the movie - that Q is good, isn't he? He always knows exactly what Bond will need. Q will also give him a car, also with lots of spiffy gadgets, which he will eventually destroy.

Next Bond will confront Bad Guy, usually in some sort of social setting, just to let him know he is onto his evil plans. Why he does this is never clear; it seems he would be better off keeping himself hidden until he is actually ready to do something, but anyway... It is equally unclear why Bad Guy doesn't just put a bullet in his head then and there; he always uses his real name (this is the part where he will first say "Bond, James Bond"), so you'd think a warning about him would've appeared in the newsletter of the Association of Evil Geniuses by now.

Next he will meet Love Interest. She will usually be someone who somehow accidentally got involved in this scheme. He will sleep with her, and shortly thereafter she will be killed.

Now a big action sequence. He will infiltrate Bad Guy's headquarters, for one of a number of reasons: to steal some evidence, to steal some crucial piece of equipment necessary for his evil plan, to rescue a hostage, or something. Bad Guy has a lot of Extraneous Henchmen. None of them quite understands how to use a gun; particularly, they don't understand that if you shoot at someone who is running, you can't shoot at the spot where they are right now. If you do that, since they're running, the bullet hits something (a window is best) right behind them, and you look like an idiot. All of the Extraneous Henchmen will die or be incapacitated.

Optionally, during this action sequence, he can hook up with Female Agent. She may be another agent, or she may be Bad Guy's Girlfriend who is switching sides.

Alas, Bond (and Female Agent) will be captured by Bad Guy's Sidekick. Bad Guy will now explain the entire plan to him, since after all, he's just about to kill him anyway, right? Then, instead of just putting a bullet in each of them and going about his business, he either leaves Sidekick to kill them, or he leaves them in some sort of Eventual Death Device; e.g. tied up next to a ticking bomb. Of course, they escape, either because Sidekick is a moron, or because Bond uses one of his gadgets to escape his, um, bonds.

Now another big action sequence, in which Bond foils Bad Guy's plans. Many more Extraneous Henchmen die. If there is a Female Agent, here she gets captured. Eventually he gets to Bad Guy, who he kills. Usually he will do this in such a way as not to get his hands dirty, e.g. Bad Guy will fall off a building, or be pushed backward and impaled on a spike, or something.

Now Sidekick catches up to him. He holds Female Agent hostage, either to make Bond allow the Evil Plan to proceed or just to piss him off. He will leave her in an Imminent Death Situation and start a fistfight with Bond. Bond will win, and kill him (usually in the same sort of no-responsibility way as Bad Guy). Then he rescues Female Agent from her predicament. They kiss as the cavalry shows up (too late, of course) and looks for them. Roll credits.